[Teenaged boy falls down stairs laughing, cuts to Dan Quinn reading from a paper, standing in front of two blenders and a Muhammad Ali poster]

DQ: [Reading from paper] The following is for all women and children on planet Earth. This is your personal and very real Wonka golden ticket. Watch to the end, know that Josh risked his life going down the stairs into a rack— equals paying this forward and following directions— equals ending the war in Iraq. I have cold fission and the cure in stevia, equals the savior of planet Earth. Stevia blends water magically into a natural gas called “splitH2O”…

DQ: [operates blender]

DQ: …that equals ending global warming, equals cycling back into H2O beneath toxic soap, equals getting enough toxic soap out of H2O, equals my body “ballpark” to him…

DQ: [points to poster of Muhammad Ali]

DQ: …in speed and athletic ability, equals you not knowing about stevia because the evil rich don’t want you to, equals an Uncle Fred [unintelligible] backs me up at Notre Dame when I’m set up and expelled for a false attempted rape that I could prove in court was a lie, or in Miami when the police Rodney King a nationally ranked white heavyweight boxer, I’m already rich and famous, and even though millions have already seen me on car windows, [holding a photo of himself as a college football player with small caricature next to it] ‘cause Boogaloo told me that the Bad Boy was me after I knocked out five guys who attacked me at Juanita’s, and you might believe the following: twenty years ago at Notre Dame, after fighting to feed the poor in another country, and speaking with Muhammad Ali, I had a vision. One day, I’m the richest man in the world, using 98% of profit to share with all employees, ending written slavery on Earth forever. While my ex was pregnant, dreaming that my son would one day need a revolution, to now, twenty years later, that I was touched by God who told me I’m the angel, Maitraya— M-A-I-T-R-A-Y-A, Google it— and proceeds from stevia plus water plus energy slash blending, equals splitH2O and pureH2O, equals cold fission, equals a Nobel prize, equals eventual billions of dollars, equals I’m serious as a heart attack, equals eight teaspoons per day over four months melted away six tumors and sixty-two pounds from Uncle Bob’s body, equals one- only one hundred dollars total at star west botannicals dot com, equals one pound a month to make pureH2O, equals my body ballpark to the greatest athlete who ever lived, Muhammad Ali. Stevia blending out toxins equals pureH2O, equals making bodies perfect in record speed, equals that everyone on planet Earth consumes stevia, sickness and fat are repealed like the man mag pl- man made plagues they are. The rich who want to enslave have held stevia back on purpose for far too long, equals anyone and everyone who uses stevia to pay this planet-saving miracle forward to three people will soon get one million dollars. Why not? Bill “The Pirate” Gates could afford it, but he probably has blood relatives all the way back to the evil pharaohs of Egypt. Ladies, did you know that before cave people drew pictures of pyramids and spaceships on cave walls, that you were in charge? Stevia will- stevia will make your bodies perfect within months, and the violin which took both Kate, Chris, and Karen to around triple digit orgasms in two hours, is one of many of your birthrights.

DQ: [Stops reading from paper, starts gesturing] The violin: two fingers in and up to the bottom of the g-spot, two fingers pressing down right above the g-spot on the stomach wall, compressing, playing the violin, massaging gently, licking and sucking the clit, uh, like a flute, that will take you to a thousand orgasm, it feels like an orgasm for uh, as long as you do that, okay?

DQ: [Resumes reading from paper] Uh, explain the violin— my plan, to get this famous A.S.A.P. by destroying any name pro fighter who’s willing to stand toe-to-toe with me, no kicks or ground. Frank Meer, Chuck Lidell, Clark Williams, I say that pureH2O equals me knockin’ all three of you out. Let me put you to sleep with my fists, out at an Indian gaming casino, and when you wake up and cold fission is famous, I retire you and your whole family in style. So which one of you fighters is man enough to accept my challenge?

DQ: [Sets down paper, flexes muscles at camera] Peace!